The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"
 

15> New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick 
    himself.

14> He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene 
    Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing 
    immensely.

13> Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the 
    knee with a light saber.

12> Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use 
    the Fifth, Luke."

11> The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza 
    the Hut.

10> Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.

 9> C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny 
    brass ass.

 8> Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.

 7> New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has 
    to pee.

 6> Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"

 5> Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his 
    name.

 4> During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special 
    attachment.

 3> Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red 
    paint.

 2> The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star?  Richard Jewell.


    ...and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...


 1> Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene
    none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.