Subject: More Court Quips (fwd) Remember, these were compiled by a court reporter from ACTUAL court and deposition transcripts... ________________________________________________________ Q: At any period of time when you lost consciousness or don't remember what happened, did you see the car change direction or speed? -- Q: At the time you first saw Dr. Perkins, had you ever seen him prior to that time? -- Plaintiff's Lawyer: Is that your conclusion, that this man is a malingerer? Psychiatrist: I wouldn't be testifying if I didn't think so, unless I was on the other side, then it would be a post-traumatic condition. -- Defendant: But Judge, I can't do 61,500 years! Judge: Well, just do as much of it as you can. And have a nice day. -- Q: I take it that before this accident happened you lived with your brother-in-law and sister for about six months? A: Yes. Q: You got to know him quite well? A: Yes. Q: You saw him interact with your sister, and I believe they had one child? A: I didn't see the actual interaction, but they did have one child. -- Q: You say it's Miss Jones. I take it then you are unmarried? A: Yes, twice. -- Q: When did you begin to plan your wedding? A: Well, actually, I didn't plan my wedding; my mother did. Q: Did you participate in your mother's planning of your wedding? A: No. My family is Italian. Q: When did your mother begin to plan your wedding? A: When I was born. -- Q: From what you're telling me, you don't own any moving vehicles, motor vehicles, trailers, cars, or trucks? A: I'm telling you I don't own one sanitary thing. Witness' wife (interrupting): Or unsanitary thing. A: Or unsanitary thing either. The only thing I got control over is my wife, and I haven't got very good control over that. -- Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind? -- Q: And approximately when was that statement made? A: About two weeks before she went to the hospital. Q: Before her final death? A: Yes. -- Plaintiff's counsel: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work? Plaintiff: Dr. J. Plaintiff's counsel: And what kind of physician is Dr. J? Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor. -- Q: The respiratory arrest means no breathing, doesn't it? Expert Witness: That's right. Q: And in every case where there is a death, isn't there no breathing? -- Q: Do you have any sort of medical disability? A: Legally blind. Q: Does that create substantial problems with your eyesight as far as seeing things? -- Q: Now, officer, besides the flushed face, the weaving motion, the staggering gait, and the odor of alcohol emitting from his breath, did you notice anything else unusual about the defendant before you arrested him? A: Yes. His speech was slick and third--or sick and furled--or, I mean, he was very incoherent. Q: I understand. -- Q: Do you drink? A: Yes. Well, not at the moment. I've been sober now for going on three years, but before that I used to drink fluently. -- Q: Now, how would you characterize the nature of the odor of the alcohol on his breath? A: I would list it as a moderate odor. Q: How do you determine "moderate?" A: To me, moderate is basically as I'm sitting here I can smell it, not overpowered by it. Light would be where I would have the person blow, get real close and blow on me. And strong is one where you stand there and go, "Oh." Q: That's when you start getting high on their breath? A: Yes. -- Court: You were on a jury before? Prospective woman juror: Yes, your Honor, and we were taken to the hotel while we were deliberating, and we were all seduced in the hotel. Court: You were what? PWJ: We were seduced in the hotel. Court: Do you mean sequestered? PWJ: That's the word! -- Prospective juror: Judge, I would like to be excused from the jury because my wife is about to become pregnant. Counsel: Judge, he doesn't mean his wife is about to become pregnant; he means she is about to deliver. Court: You are excused. In either event he should be present. -- Lawyer No. 1: I'm going to object on that basis further that in January when I sat in on some of these depositions, you were going over the same ground, and you have plowed the field too many times. Lawyer No. 2: I haven't grown anything yet, though. I've sowed but I haven't reaped. Lawyer No. 3: I'll say this, it's been well fertilized. -- "I knew William A. Larsen in his lifetime and for many years prior thereto." -- Q: Have you had any injuries to your head? A: None fatal. -- Q: Dr. Yamamoto, the reporter seems to be having difficulty hearing you today. He wants me to ask you a question to clarify the record. As far as I am concerned, the record is clear. But just in case: When you testified that the body upon which you performed the autopsy had cuts on the hands, did you say they were fresh wounds or flesh wounds? A: They were fresh wounds. Q: Thank you, Dr. Yamamoto. Did-- A: Some of the wounds went right through the-- Q: That's all right, doctor; I'm sure the reporter has it down correctly in the record as "fresh wounds." Thank you. -- Q: Doctor, what treatment did you give this man? A: I cleansed the wound, sutured it, and put him to bed with a nurse. -- Q: Were you in the courtroom this morning when you were sworn in? -- Q: You heard the entire conversation between the lady and the officer? A: I can't say I heard every word, no. Q: How much of it did you miss? -- Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about. -- Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? A. My ex-widow said it. -- Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney? A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good. -- Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A. I will be three months November 8th. Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A. Yes. Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? -- Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words. -- Q. What happened then? A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q. Did he kill you? A. No. -- THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any. -- Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities? A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture. -- Q. Do you drink when you're on duty? A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. -- Q. Are you sexually active? A. No, I just lie there. -- Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A. Yes, I have been since early childhood. -- Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present? A. It indicates intercourse. Q. Male sperm? A. That is the only kind I know.